Tap, tap, tap…Hello?...Is this thing on? Anyone still out there?

Gosh, I know it’s been ages since I last put up a post, and I feel like I should don some sackcloth and ashes for being such a delinquent blogger. However, there has been so much going on around here in the last several weeks that, well…I just haven’t set aside the time to keep everyone up to date. Things have been so crazy that I had to give my pal Mary’s book signing gig a miss last month. I let her know I would be there in spirit, but she didn’t seem to be buying it. Sigh.

So where to start with what’s been going on? I guess the most logical spot would be with Clare. She’s been visiting her daughter for the last few weeks, so Jed and I decided to surprise her when she gets back by remodeling the guest room she uses here at the house. Actually, the remodel isn’t a complete surprise because we wanted her input on colors and fabrics. But being typically Clare, she threw me a look, and reminded me she hasn’t a designer bone in her body (which, to be honest, is true). Basically, I was left to my own devices to decorate the space. Can’t say I was totally disappointed.

Anyway, between picking out paint colors, having the old carpeting ripped up and new hardwood floors installed, changing up the bathroom vanity and lighting (all the better for her to see how much gel she uses to spike that hair), and shopping for new bedding and accessories, well, let’s just say I’ve put quite a few miles on my little Ford Fusion. Clare’s due back early next week, and everything is on schedule to knock her socks off.

While all that’s been going on, Jed has had a few out-of-town meetings that I decided to tag along on. I’ve had such a blast scouring antique shops and funky boutiques in Charlotte, Knoxville, and Raleigh. Unfortunately, all that shopping didn’t burn off the couple of extra pounds that I put on from all the wonderful meals we indulged in. Guess I’ll need to add a few more aerobics classes to my schedule.

What else? Oh, I’ve been trying out some new recipes. Yes, you read that right…I’m becoming a cook! Okay, so maybe not a great cook, but at least I’m trying. Just this past week, I made some slow roasted salmon, tackled a Sicilian-style potato gratin, plus I whipped up some creamy tomato balsamic soup to go with some turkey sandwiches. Will post some of the recipes – with pictures – really soon.

So there you have it. Crazy days, packed with crazy stuff, but all fun. And oh, if you’ll be in Hendersonville, NC this Saturday, stop by the library to hear Mary read from her latest book, A Trip to the Water’s Edge.

Save the Date for a Book Signing!

Just had a quick chat with Mary. Seems she has a book signing gig for herjust published second novel, A Trip to the Water's Edge, set for later this month! Here are the details:

Date: Saturday, October 22

Location:
Joy of Books (next to Tempo Music)
242 Main Street
Hendersonville, NC

Time: 12:30 - 2:00

If you'll be in the area, stop on by to meet my instigator and read about all the mischief Clare and I managed to get into that makes this book such a hoot.

There's Something About Mary

Well, well, well...things have just been poppin' since Mary released her new book, A Trip to the Water's Edge.

Between doing readings and responding to book review requests, this lady has been busy, busy, busy. This isn't a bad thing, 'cause it means there's less time for her to come up with new ways to get me and Clare in trouble, LOL!

And here's the latest scoop: Elizabeth over at Silver's Reviews has a guest post with Mary and an interview. Pop on over there, give it a read, and find out what makes my instigator tick.

Hot Off the Press: A Trip to the Water's Edge

Even though Clare spilled the beans about Mary's new book, I'm here to tell you that it's official -- A Trip to the Water's Edge has been published!

Now you can read about all the adventures Clare and I have been involved in, including that murder I mentioned in this earlier post, Clare's surprising turn with doing aerobics, our joint attempt to "cook from a real recipe," and so much more.

So don't delay, order your paperback or Kindle version today from Amazon.com. You'll be glad you did.

Spillin' the Beans

So Matts and Jed are away for a few days and, once getting the hang of this whole blog thing, I asked Mattie if it would be okay to make a post while they were gone. For some unknown reason, she was a tad reluctant with the whole idea.

"But Clare, you just mastered typing," said Mattie. "I mean, I know you can type, but really, I'm not sure you get the whole idea of what this blog is all about."

Not being one to take that kind of smack sitting down, I said, "But if you get the whole idea, why has it been two months since you posted something?"

Well that shut 'er up, let me tell you -- at least temporarily. "Look," she said, "I've been going six ways from Sunday with all my meetings and with Jed now being home for a bit, there's been a lot of catching up to do."

"Ummm, really as far as 'catching up' goes, it's really TMI for me" I shot back. "But be that as it may, you've let me play around with your computer, and your nephew Scotty -- who you may recall was nice enough to give me a few pointers about blogs -- even said I had a great turn of phrase. Besides, you and Jed are outta' here for at least, what, three or four days? What do you have to say now? C'mon Matts, pleeze?"

I thought I heard Mattie mutter something very unladylike under her breath...something about being a witch (?) for using her own words against her (?)...couldn't really hear the whole thing.

But finally, after some Mattie thinking time, she said, "Fine, have at it. But here's the deal. No blabbing about our big news. Not a word. Get it?"

"Sure," I said. "Why would I spill the beans that Mary's new book about our adventures is about to hit the streets?"

Ooops. Someone isn't going to be happy when she comes home :)

Go here to find out how our adventures began.

The Chunky Monkey Challenge

So I come back home from picking up some odds and ends and am greeted by the sight of Clare sprawled on the couch, scraping the final traces of Chunky Monkey ice cream from a pint container, with my latest issue of Self magazine propped on her lap.

Clare looked up when I entered the room and said, “Hey Matts, says here there are 58 ways to burn 100 calories. Who knew?”

I let her know that the process of moving the ice cream spoon from the container to her mouth probably wasn’t one of those 58 ways.

“Clare, if you’re serious about trying to lose weight, you may want to consider exercising,” I said. “I mean, let’s face it – sometimes it’s all I can do to drag you out to do some quick errands.”

“Hey, I go out from time to time. Just today, I walked all the way to the mailbox to post a letter.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. Why not come with me to my aerobics class next week?”

“Aerobics! Are you kidding? Matts, you know my coordination is awful; can’t tell my right from my left on a good day. Besides, I hate getting all sweaty.”

“Clare, you’ll do fine. I’ll be there to help guide you along and we’ll have fun. Really!”

“Nope, not gonna’ do it,” said Clare.

Seeing I was getting nowhere fast, I made the most pleading look I could muster and said, “Pleeeze, Clare? Pleeeze, do it for me?”

“You know how much I can’t stand it when you give me that look – all big baby blues just begging with every blink.”

“C’mon Clare, try it.”

With a huge sigh and shoulders sagging, she finally caved. Little did she know what she was in for.

The next week, we arrived at the aerobics studio and I introduced her to our expert instructor, Rachel. She was tickled pink having Clare part of the group and reassured our “newbie” that she would be just fine.

But when Rachel started her warm-up routine, she didn’t expect to hear all the grunting and groaning noises coming from Clare. Matter of fact, the whole class was staring at her!

Things got worse, but there was a surprise in store with this awkward situation. I can’t do it justice here, but you can find out how this story ends when Mary publishes her next book featuring Yours Truly (and of course, Clare). Stay tuned.

Go here to find out how my adventures began.

A Tale of a Girl, a Fish, and a Wuss

Not long ago, on a day teeming with rain, Clare and I were channel surfing in a vain attempt to find something to occupy the time. Not having an abundance of patience, I have a tendency to not stay too long on any one channel – especially as most are bogged down with commercials. Clare got weary of me having a thumb like Speed Racer and begged me to stop on a channel, any channel, so we could actually watch something for more than two seconds.

Grumbling, I landed on Food Network, where a chef by the name of Anne Burrell was roasting a whole fish. Don’t know if you’ve ever seen Anne, but let me just say Clare could take a few lessons from her on how to spike hair. But I digress.

As we watched Anne go through the motions of cooking the fish, a brilliant idea (at least I thought) came to my mind: Clare and I would attempt making the same dish!

When I blurted this thought out, Clare looked at me like I was insane. “Matts, we are totally useless in the kitchen,” she said. “I mean you practically live on canned soup and Saltines, and I nuke everything straight from the freezer. We’re better candidates for Anne’s other show, “Worst Cooks in America.” Why, in the world, would you want to do something as goofy as this?”

I told her that it would be fun, a challenge, and would prove to Jed (who was out of town, again) that I did possess some degree of domesticity. She, of course, didn’t believe me, told me she had read somewhere that when you cook a whole fish their eyes explode, and suggested we start with something a little easier – tuna salad, perhaps?

Nope. My mind was made up. We were going to take this on and be Culinary Geniuses! Domestic Divas! The next Master Chefs!

Coincidentally, Jed called right after I had this brainstorm. When I told him what we were about to do, he couldn’t speak, because of laughing so hard. When he finally caught his breath, he said, “A whole fish? You and Clare? Oh, this should be interesting. Just do me a favor and try not to burn the house down.” I let him know we would document everything, taking pictures and all, so he could see the fruits of our success. Take that, Mr. Smarty-Pants!

After printing off the recipe from Anne’s web page, I made a list of ingredients and practically dragged Clare to the car. After a quick trip to the grocery store, we swung by Blue Water Seafood for our fish. They recommended a red snapper.

Now while I was all gung-ho to make this recipe, I drew the line at having to gut the poor thing. So I made sure that was already done, along with all the gills being removed. I tried very hard not to give our fish a name, but failed miserably and ended up calling him "Bob.”

Say hi to Bob:




So there we were, me, Clare with the camera, and Bob, alone in the kitchen -- us eyeing him with trepidation, him giving the two of us a rather glazed look.



While he hung out on the counter, we got the prep out of the way by assembling some herbs, including bay leaves, slicing a lemon, smashing some garlic cloves and measuring out some white wine. Actually, I did most of the prep, while Clare preferred sipping the wine and taking the occasional picture.



Then I took a deep breath and started removing Bob’s fins. Any idea how sharp snapper fins are? They’re like little razors! I only realized when I knicked myself a couple of times when I started handling the sliced lemon. More than a few unladylike words came from my lips. After the de-finning was done, I needed to make a few small slits in his skin on both sides.

Never having worked with a whole fish before, and especially a red snapper, I just figured I would make three quick cuts with my chef's knife and move on to the next step. Ummm, not so fast. His skin was really tough! I practically had to make a stabbing motion to pierce his hide [it was at this point that Clare started singing the theme music from “Psycho”]. With the slits finally completed, I was feeling a bit braver and thought I would part his fish lips to see inside his mouth.

Clare had wandered out of the kitchen at this point, so wasn’t there when I discovered red snappers have TEETH! They have a TONGUE! This was not something I expected.

I yelled for Clare to get her butt back in the kitchen. As soon as she saw Bob’s open mouth, she started making all kinds of squealing girl noises. “I. Will. NOT. Eat. This!” said she. “You can’t make me. No how. No way. And you can take your own damn pictures from this point on!” And with that, she stomped out of the kitchen like the bratty three-year old she can sometimes be. Wuss!

But I would not be deterred. It was now a battle between me and Bob. After stuffing him with some herbs and lemon, I gently placed him on a lined baking sheet, covered Bob with more herbs, lemon slices and smashed garlic cloves. I poured some white wine that Clare hadn’t managed to guzzle over everything, popped him into the oven, and set the timer.


When Bob's allotted roasting time was done, I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath before opening the oven. I reached in and, sure enough, his eyeballs had popped. I let out little whimpers, but quickly collected myself. Damn if I was going to let Clare see me have a case of the vapors!

I needed to move Bob from the baking sheet onto a cutting board. However, Bob was stuck because his upper fish lip was fused to the foil! After some tugging, he finally came loose, minus part of his lip.


See what I mean about the teeth and tongue?


My little whimpers started again, but I managed to fillet the poor thing and remove the bones, then busied myself getting the rest of the meal finished up and on a plate.



Perhaps not the most appealing plate that was ever composed, but I did it! I cooked a whole fish! When I let out a loud “Boo-Yah!”, Clare stuck her head in the kitchen to see what was going on.

I proudly, oh so proudly, pointed to the plate for her to admire my handiwork. She said it was the saddest looking fish specimen she had ever seen, still refused to taste it, and reached in the freezer for a frozen dinner to throw in the microwave.

After all the drama, I have to admit having rather mixed feelings about picking up my fork for the first mouthful. But, I took the plunge and...well, Bob tasted pretty good! Actually better than pretty good.

When I shared all this with Jed, he was impressed and suggested I try some other culinary challenges. Hmmm, not a bad idea. Now I just need to keep Clare from hiding the remote.

Go here to find out what other trouble I've gotten myself into.

A Temporary Loss of Marbles

Can I just tell you how wonderful it's been to have Jed home?. I know he loves his work, and his clients adore him, but call me selfish – I just love waking up each morning next to that man!

Our trip to Brevard was so much fun. Between checking out the street festival, eating amazing food, and looking at all the white squirrel souvenirs, we came home pretty tuckered out. But considering how things went the last time I was there with Clare, well, I certainly prefer coming home tired than scared witless.

See, here’s what happened:

Remember me telling you about how Clare and I witnessed a murder at the waterfalls? Well, a few days later, after reporting the incident to the police, we decided to take our minds off of the incident by doing a little retail therapy. I figured a trip to Brevard would do the trick, because of all the cute shops there, not to mention some fabulous restaurants.

Clare has never been one to shy away from the prospect of eating out (kinda’ reminds me of Mary in that regard), so I didn’t have to twist her arm to come along. I wish I could tell you that we had a genteel, ladies-who-lunch type of meal, but…we each scarfed down a huge helping of quiche, plus all the sides. Our server must have thought we hadn’t eaten in weeks.

Anyhow, as we left the restaurant I remembered we probably would need to put more time on the parking meter. Just as I was putting in the quarter, I looked up and froze. There, right down the street, was the guy we saw at the falls! I would recognize that tattoo anywhere.

When I told Clare, I thought she was going to have a case of the vapors right there on the sidewalk. I hustled her butt into the car and tried to figure out what to do. It seemed the best thing would be to call the police, which I did, all the while trying to keep Clare from getting her panties in a twist. Unfortunately, because we were a little distance away from the guy, I couldn’t give them a detailed description of what he looked like, except recognizing the tattoo. The dispatcher told me they would try to have an officer swing by soon, but I wasn’t feeling too confident he would be able to find the guy with only a tattoo to go on.

That’s when, at least if you ask Clare, I temporarily lost my marbles, because I decided to go and get a closer look at him. Okay, maybe not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, and I knew Jed would have a cow when he found out (which he did), but for love of Mike, he was right there!

I wrapped a scarf around my head, pulled up my hoodie, got out of the car, and proceeded down the street. When I got right up next to him, I “accidentally” stumbled into him and got a good look at his face. Let me just pause for a moment to say what an ugly, mean looking guy this was. Really, his face wasn’t one that even his mother could love.

After growling at me for being so clumsy, he started walking away and got picked up by someone driving a gray truck. Just as he was out of sight, a police cruiser swung by and I waved it down. Between the physical description and the license plate number I managed to memorize, the officer took off like a shot to track Tattoo Guy down.

Needless to say, when I finally got back into the car, Clare was way past having vapors and was as close to hysterical as I’ve ever seen her. She finally calmed herself down long enough to read me the riot act for being so nuts to pull a stunt like that. To say the “air was blue” would be an understatement (I must say though, that girl can get real creative stringing cuss words together). Guess I kinda’ deserved it, but a girl’s gotta’ do whatta’ girl’s gotta do.

We did eventually find out that the police caught the guy, so hopefully there’ll be no chance for me to do something so bone-headed again. But now you can hopefully understand why I have mixed feelings about the town of Brevard (but I will say, their quiche is to die for!). Go here to find out how my adventure began.

Ready to "Go Nuts" (for white squirrels that is)

Had a chance to have a quick chat with Mary this week about her Blue Ridge Book Fest gig. She was tickled pink about how many people bought our book, The Trouble with Mattie and how well organized the festival was -- all thanks to Tom McCain, chair of the event. There also a chance she'll be interviewed by a local magazine! That girl is on a roll.

Hope y'all have a lovely Memorial Day weekend. Jed is home for a spell, and we'll be checking out the White Squirrel Festival in Brevard. For those of you not from these parts, the idea of a white squirrel may sound rather odd. But trust me, they do exist, and we love the critters to pieces. Initially, I was a bit hesitant to make a return trip to Brevard, because that's where I spotted the return of the Tattoo Guy I posted about earlier. I'll tell you about that little episode in the coming days, but suffice it to say that day turned out to be anything but boring (and it, of course, included my buddy Clare). Go here to find out how my adventure began.

My instigator is in the news!

Hi y'all! I was visiting with my friend Mary Berger this week, and she shared a copy of her press release that hit the local paper today. Thought I would pass it along, just in case you'll be in our area next week. If you will be, I know Mary would just love to meet you (and maybe give some hints about her next book, featuring little ol' me, which is due out this summer).

For immediate release:

May 09, 2011 - Imagine for a moment losing your home, having your step-daughter wipe out your savings, be forced into a compound for disadvantaged souls, finding a soul sister and soul mate, unearthing unscrupulous business practices, and being threatened with bodily harm. All of these adventures and more are detailed in local author, Mary A. Berger’s novel, The Trouble with Mattie.

Ms. Berger will share chapters of Mattie’s story on Thursday, May 19, 2011, at 2:00 PM at the Fletcher Library located at 120 Library Road.

She will also be among 50 featured WNC authors participating in the Blue Ridge Book Fest on Saturday, May 21, 2011, from 8:00 AM to 3:00 PM at the Blue Ridge Community College in Flat Rock. The Book Fest is free and open to the public.

“If you’re looking for a book that combines mystery, a healthy dose of humor, and heartwarming romance, then The Trouble with Mattie is the perfect choice to curl up with. Author Mary A. Berger has created a singular “woman of a certain age” at her best. Looking forward to seeing what Mattie gets herself into next.” – Beth Peterson


THE TROUBLE WITH MATTIE
(ISBN: 978-1453772300) is available at www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnoble.com

About the Author
Mary A. Berger is an award-winning author whose writing has appeared in The Saturday Evening Post, Ladies Circle, Today’s Family, as well as in various small-press publications and the Times-News. She is currently working on a second Mattie novel, which will be released in summer 2011.

For media inquiries, appearances, or other publicity: contact Elizabeth Wright at elizwright@gmail.com.

We Can Make A Difference

Thank you all for your well wishes and expressions of concern for me and my instigator, Mary, in wake of the recent floods and tornadoes that ripped through the South. Fortunately, Western North Carolina was spared the devastation and both of us, and our families, are fine.

Unfortunately, that can't be said for some of our sister states, especially Alabama. My heart aches when I see the pictures of the destruction and can only imagine the misery of those who have lost loved ones.

Some of you have asked what you can do to help. While there are many agencies hard at work trying to assist victims, I would encourage you to make a contribution to the American Red Cross Disaster Relief. These good folks are on the scene making sure people have a safe place to stay, food to eat, and support services to get them through this very difficult time.

To make a donation, visit the American Red Cross website, call 1-800-RED-CROSS, or text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a donation. Together, we can make a difference.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.

Crazy is, as crazy does

Go here to find out how my adventure began.

Boy, what a hectic couple of weeks it’s been. Between Eva acting up (again, still, probably forever), running over to Autumn Leaves to lend a hand with their new pottery classes (nothing like getting your hands dirty to forget your troubles), and trying to clean up the yard from some nasty storms that blew through here, well, there has just been no time to do much else.

But now things have calmed down a mite, and I can try to share some more details about the weird goings-on that Clare and I were involved in that I mentioned in my last post.

As if witnessing a potential murder wasn’t enough excitement for a day, my cute little Ford Fusion decided not to start when Clare and I got back from the waterfall, where we saw Mr. Monkey Tattoo shove another guy off a cliff.

Being out in the middle of nowhere and out of cell phone range, there wasn’t a prayer we would ever find someone to help us out. But that’s when my guardian angel came a callin’ (hope she doesn’t have any other clients, ‘cause I certainly keep her busy 24/7).

Seemingly out of nowhere, a woman by the name of Josie came walking down from the trail. Turns out, she lived nearby and offered the services of her son, Gerald, to help fix the car. Apparently Gerald wasn’t a trained mechanic, but at that point beggars couldn’t be choosers.

While Josie sent her two younger sons off in search of Gerald, she invited us to her house to await his return. To make a long story short, it took a couple of hours for Gerald to make an appearance, which brought us to having dinner with Josie and her family. After the meal, Gerald got my car running again (some stupid wire came unplugged, which I probably should have looked for had I thought to pop the hood – guess the murder unhinged me more than I thought).

Unfortunately, as so often happens here in the mountains, a dense fog had rolled in and there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to be able to navigate down those twisty, mountain roads for home. Josie graciously offered to have us spend the night in her guest room. Picture it: me, Clare, twin bed. Kinda’ scary, huh?

We were finally able to hit the road early the next morning and, once in cell phone range, I called the local police to tell them what we witnessed and made a call to Jed to fill him in on our exploits. Clare was right, he wasn’t too thrilled to hear what had been going on, but, bless his heart, his major concern was if Clare and I were okay.

I also made a call to Mary Berger, the one who got me into this mess, and related our story to her. And can you believe it? She's having me write everything down, so she can write a new book. Geez, oh man, will that woman ever give me a break?

Get a hold of my initial adventure, The Trouble with Mattie, at these fine retailers.

And this is why I call her “The Instigator”

Go here to find out how my adventure began.

With my best friend and soul mate, Jed, out of town for a couple of weeks, I’ve really been trying to knuckle down and get things done around here, and keep my promise to him that I wouldn’t get myself into any trouble. But a girl can only clean out dust bunnies, tend to houseplants, and reorganize so many closets before feeling a bit stir crazy.

I gave my friend Mary Berger a call to see what she was up to and find out if she felt like getting together. As luck would have it, she was up to her eyeballs getting ready for an upcoming book fest at our local community college and trying to finish firing her latest batch of "Lil Ole' Gals" pottery figures. After hearing how bored I was, she suggested I enlist Clare to take a hike. “I hear the trails around Cherokee are looking mighty good now,” she said. “Besides, how much trouble can you get into out in the middle of nowhere?” Little did she know how those words would come back to bite her in the butt.

It took some doing to talk Clare into the whole hiking idea. If we were going to head to Cherokee, she would far rather play the slots. But after pleading with her, she finally took pity on me and agreed to come along, especially after she heard about a particular walking trail that had a great waterfall.

Looking back on it, I have to say the trip started out innocently enough. With the car windows rolled down, Clare and I belted out songs from a Garth Brooks CD to pass the time (BTW: Clare can’t carry a tune to save her life.) We found the parking area for the waterfall trail and, typical for us, ran our mouths off while making our way along the path.

Then, out of nowhere, we heard two men’s voices. And while it was hard to make out what they were saying because of the roar of the waterfall, I’m here to tell you it was clear they were not happy. Clare and I were behind some bushes, but had a pretty good line of sight on what was going on. The one guy was short and stocky, the other was larger, heavier, and wore a baseball cap, so I couldn’t get a good look at this face, but I couldn’t help noticing the tattoo of a monkey face on his arm. These two guys started pushing and shoving each other, and the next thing we knew, Mr. Monkey Tattoo pushed the other guy over the edge and then ran off!

Clare and I tried our best to scan the base of the waterfall to see if there was any sign of the guy pushed over the edge, but didn’t see a trace of him. The first words out of Clare’s mouth were, “Jed ain’t gonna’ like hearing about this.” My first thought was, “Dang it, Mary, you said I couldn’t get into trouble out here! This is all your fault for suggesting a hike in the first place.”

You know, just reliving this as I type gives me the willies. I need to go make a cup of peppermint tea and calm down before I share the rest.

Get a hold of my initial adventure, The Trouble with Mattie, at these fine retailers.

Don't Kiss Your Chickens

Go here to find out how my adventure began.

Guess who has come to hang out with me while Jed is out of town? Yup, none other than my buddy Clare! It's almost like being back in school again knowing there's going to be a pajama party every night.

And while Jed was all for the idea of Clare and me being part-time housemates, he seemed less than convinced that we would manage to stay out of trouble. Haven't a clue why he would feel that way, LOL! I did my best to assure him we would be as good as gold and spend our time doing girl stuff -- shopping, eating out, taking walks, that kind of thing. I'm was actually hoping to enlist Clare to help me get the garden ready for planting, but the blasted weather here won't cooperate. One day it's a balmy 70 degrees, the next day we get a cold blast. Of course, she would would probably just sag at the idea of turning over beds anyway, so maybe it's for the best.

Well, need to run out and pick up some supplies before her arrival. I think a Harvey Wallbanger or two might be in order to celebrate. They'll also give me the opportunity to bust her butt about the last time we got tipsy drinking them. "Don't kiss your chickens," indeed.

Get a hold of my adventure, The Trouble with Mattie, at these fine retailers.

Excuse Me While I Have a Hissy Fit

Go here to find out how my adventure began.

I just heard from my step-daughter Eva and could not believe she was asking for money, AGAIN! The nerve of that conniving little...Okay Mattie, deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Ommmm. There, calming down a little.

I mean, wouldn't you think after all the trouble she got into after she cleaned me out and threw me into that wretched Autumn Leaves home, she would have learned a lesson? If you want the full rundown of her exploits, read 'em here.

In an attempt to be charitable, I asked why she needed money. After a considerable time spent whining and sniffling about how "Mother Mattie, you know how pricey things are these days, with the economy and all, and that a dollar just doesn't stretch as far (more tears)," I finally zeroed in on her true objective: she just had to have a pair of Ed Hardy jeans she saw at Dillard's. As I pried the truth out of her, I quickly went online to check out what made these particular pair of pants so special. Hell's Bells! These jeans look like a pack of jackals attacked them and for this they want $149???? Are they nuts???? Not to mention the fact that she lost me at the words "Mother Mattie" which is an 'endearment' that just sets my teeth on edge and she knows it.

"What about a nice pair of Levi's?" I asked. "LEVI'S?," Eva shrieked. "I wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of those. They have no class at all." This coming from a woman who wore a blindingly orange swimsuit, peppered with enough sequins to make your eyes explode.

In spite of more tears and pleading on her part, I finally put my foot down and told her absolutely, positively not. I wasn't going to give her money to throw away on a pair of ugly, outrageously priced jeans that she will toss in a corner as soon as the next fad appears. Needless to say, she was not a happy girl and threatened to make my life miserable for all eternity.

As if.

Unfortunately, during the course of our conversation, I let it slip I was starting this blog as a diary of sorts. Hopefully, she won't find it, but knowing her as I do, I wouldn't be surprised to see her post a comment or two.

Get a hold of my adventure, The Trouble with Mattie, at these fine retailers.

And Away We Go

So here I am starting my own blog. I didn't set out putting my thoughts online, but my nephew Scotty was the tipping point. Guess I better explain.

You see, over the last several months a boatload of events happened that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams. For example, I lost my home, saw my step-daughter take me to the cleaners, be forced into a housing compound for disadvantaged souls, found a soul-sister and a soul-mate, unearthed unscrupulous business practices, was threatened with bodily harm...well, you get the idea.

I thought stuff like that only happens in novels, not to people like me, Mattie Mitchell. But in fact, my exploits did turn up in a book when my pal, Mary A. Berger, got wind of my story. Before I could say, "Hell's Bells!" she published The Trouble with Mattie. What a little instigator she is.

As you might imagine, with all this going on a girl could use an outlet to marshal her thoughts. That's where Scotty's suggestion to start a blog took hold. He said, "Aunt Mattie, you've got such great stories to tell, why not start an online journal?" I was pretty skeptical at first. While not being totally ignorant on using a computer, a blog sounded rather complicated to my ears. But Scotty being a computer whiz that he is, stopped over one afternoon and within no time had me up and running. And here we are.

So watch out world, Mattie Mitchell has jumped into the digital world with both feet and can't wait to see what happens!

Get a hold of my adventure, The Trouble with Mattie, at these fine retailers.